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Croissants of Doom
(an epic tale of adventure)
by
Auguste Harold Doodé
It was a dark and stormy night . . . OK, it wasn't really that dark and it was only drizzling a little, but it sounds better the other way. I was on the starboard bridge wing of the tramp vessel ARTICHOKE heading east, at least what passed for east on this world. I didn't like it here, but I had no choice! They wanted me here. I was a sailor and They needed sailors. The vessel was about 300 feet and it rolled and pitched uncomfortably in these seas. I suspect it was the size and mass of this planet and the two moons that affected the tides. Definitely not anywhere near earth like. The Coriolis effect of this world's rotation on the wind driven currents were in excess of 35 degrees compared to the 30 degrees we used on Earth. In fact, I had calculated it at 36 degrees, the figure I used when one of our buoys went adrift. We had been installing buoys and other aids to navigation on the waterways of this world for them. They called the world Binacamn. I just called it lousy!
I'm Jake Taylor, that's Cap'n Jake to you, landlubber. And, I'm the skipper of this here tub so you'll have to do as I say or I'll put ya in irons and stow ya in the brig. Like I said she's 300 feet long with a 35-foot beam and a crew of 45. Mostly earth humans with a few OTE's thrown in. That's Other Than Earthers, all humanoid so we don't have any bug eyed monsters or anything like that. Wouldn't work on this type vessel, too much work to do. At least They picked sailors for the crew not landlubbers. With sailors I don't have to explain things over and over again even though I don't speak their language. I can show 'em once and they understand. Course it helps that I'm 6'" and weigh 250 pounds, no fat and am the only one aboard that's allowed to carry a weapon. In my case it's just a small handheld laser pistol but that does the job since it can blow a hole right through a half inch thick steel bulkhead. The tub is powered by some kinda nuke engine. I don't really understand it but I know it ain't a reciprocatin' steam engine or any kinda internal combustion jobber. It'll push us along about 15 to 18 knots when the seas aren't too rough. Unfortunately the seas are rough tonight, about 6 to 8 feet on the port bow and our speed has been reduced to about 10 knots. We'll make our next port about a day late unless the seas calm down soon. Don't make no difference to me, I just go where They tell me to go and do what They tell me to do. I checked the running lights, although there still weren't that many other vessels completed yet so I really wasn't too concerned about one gettin' too close to one. I did it more from habit than anything else. Then I went into the pilothouse to check the watch officer and helmsman. They were on course and had read the night orders so I went below to my sea cabin to try to get some sleep.
I laid there on my bunk and thought back several months to a time when I didn't know anything about Them. After I had finished two tours in the Navy I shipped out as a merchant officer and had just completed a short cruise as the First Mate on a Panamanian cargo vessel running the Caribbean circuit. I'd been spending a week in Nassau for some I & I, that's Intoxication and Intercourse, my favorite sports, when I got really drunk one night with a good lookin' babe name of Corrine. Unfortunately for me, she turned out to be one of Them and when she learned that I was a sailor and also somewhat prone to brag about how good I was, I wasn't a sailor on Earth anymore. I don't remember much about how They got me here to Binacamn or even how long it took, I just know that one night I was in Nassau and some time after that I was here. God, what a hangover, it felt like all the other hangovers I ever had all combined together. I couldn't even eat for a week. I survived on cola and coffee and then finally was able to get some solid food down. I still don't know whether it was the booze, some kinda drug or the trip. They told me that Binacamn is about 6 light years, yeah that's right light years, from earth in some system that I never heard of, at least it wasn't one of those that we used for celestial navigation on Earth.
Oh yeah, They or Them, They are humanoid, Corrine was for sure, and most of 'em seem human enough but don't you believe it. When I finally recovered enough to figure out I was being held by someone other than the law I tried to escape by bashing one of Them over the head with a chair. The chair broke in about a zillion pieces but it didn't even phase the Coridian, that's what They call Themselves. Apparently They aren't from here either but They don't really say where They are from. Fact is They don't talk too much about anything. Thinking about them I drifted off to sleep.
Report: Binicamn Project
Ck'le, Post Coordinator
Extra-Coridian Intelligence Organization
(ECIO)
It was a lightless and atmospherically unstable darkside rotation period. I am the Coridian called Ck'le, the Earthers refer to me as Clive. As all know our main project has been the collection of the artifacts created by Those Who Came Before. The planet Binacamn was a major find, its atmosphere was perfect for TWCBs and many of their artifacts have survived to this day. Unfortunately the turbulence of the air prevents the use of our aircraft. Even our shuttles have a difficult time landing on the planet's surface anywhere except Mount B'nst'lk, the location of our main headquarters. Corrine, our operative on Earth suggested the use of Earth type water vessels. Since most of the inhabited planets have large amounts of surface water it has been relatively easy to find those who can operate the vessels. Due to our policy of not making our presence known to extra-coridians it was necessary to abduct our workers. Tests show that the Earther Jake Taylor would prove to be a great asset in our search for the Krosanz, the power source of TWCB, which we believe we may discover here.
END TRANSMISSION
"Corrine, enter please."
"Yes Coordinator."
"Please have a seat," Clive gestured toward the only other chair in the room. "I have just finished my report to our superiors, I have included your recommendation of Captain Taylor. I hope it is not unfounded, I find him a most exasperating individual."
"I think you will find him a most useful individual. He's smart when it comes to his job but just dumb enough in everything else that he should be easy to control."
"How long did you spend on Earth."
"Five deca-rotations, why."
"I spent 5 of what they call years on Earth and it was my observation that Earthers aren't as stupid as they appear, ignorant maybe but not stupid."
"Perhaps you just didn't know how to control them. I found most of the Earthers to be easy to manipulate, especially the males."
"Perhaps you are right, but I still have reservations about trusting an Earther with an energy weapon."
Just then the intercom beeped.
"Ck'le here, what is it."
"Unusual report came in earlier from the water vessel ARTICHOKE, it may be of interest to you sir."
"I'll be right down."
I was instantly awake but for a second couldn't put my finger on why. It came to me quickly, the engines had stopped and we were wallowing in the swells. I headed for the bridge wondering why I hadn't been called on the sound powered telephones. As I headed up the short ladder between my cabin and the bridge I could see we had major trouble. There were three of 'em, and they didn't look like anything I had seen before. Seven or more feet tall, several armlike appendages and about four legs or at least what looked like legs. These creatures, I could think of no other word for 'em, were ugly with a capital UG and they had some kinda weapons. My watch officer, Mr. Harden, was down and didn't appear to be breathin' and the helmsman was starin' sorta slack-jawed at him.
I almost pulled the laser pistol when several more creatures appeared outa nowhere somthin' like a transporter on that TV show, but different. I figgered I better just cool it a see what happened next. Well, the creatures, which I find out later are from some other star system which again I ain't never heard of, get us all together, includin' Harden who ain't dead, and put us down in the hold. Course that was a big mistake on their part since they didn't take my pistol and didn't really search the hold too well either.
I figger they only wanted the ARTY for a short time cause they didn't do much to make sure we was secured too well. Anyway, since I'd helped with the plans for this class vessel, I knew how to get outa the hold and into the engineroom. I told my plan to the crew and since I was their Captain and they had come to trust me and didn't like bein' prisoners on their own ship they did what I told 'em to do. Which was this, me the Chief Engineer, a Slotarian named Weeber, and five of the biggest officers and crewmen slipped into the engineroom and I had Weeber gimmick the engines so's they'd overrev and burn out if they wasn't tended to properly. Weeber wasn't too keen 'bout sabotaging his engines but it had to be done since the only thing I could think that the creatures wanted was the ARTICHOKE for some reason or other. I wasn't gonna let 'em have my ship without one heluva fight. I had the others arm themselves with knives, wrenches and belayin' pins and take some back to the rest of the crew in the hold.
When we was all ready I gave the signal and we headed out to attack the creatures. But try as we might we couldn't find hide nor hair of 'em anywhere on the ship.
I had Weeber fix the engines and the crew released from the hold and got 'em together to see what they made of the whole thing. Mr. Harden, who was by now fellin' a little better and the helmsman, George, had seem 'em the most and told me how they'd just suddenly appeared on the bridge. When Harden had tried to call me they'd somehow'd shot him with electricity or somethin' and he'd collapsed over the engine controls. Course that's what brought me up from the cabin. Funny thing, neither Harden or George described them the same way and neither description was anywhere close to what I had seen. As far as we could tell nothin' had been removed, damaged or otherwise disturbed and nothin' had been left behind by the creatures.
Well I put the report together and had Sparky send it to Them up on Mount Beanstalk to see what They made of it. Then I had the ship searched again and went back to the cabin to get some sleep. I had just come through the door when one of the creatures appeared outa thin air next to my bunk. I didn't even think, the laser was out and the beam hit the creature square in the area where we have a chest. It froze for a minute and then crumpled to the deck. As it fell it started to change and by the time it finally was on the deck it was completely different than when it appeared. Now it was smaller but not any less ugly and had only two sets of arms and one pair of legs. I stepped over quickly and removed several objects from its grips and clothing. I didn't know if any of 'em was weapons but I wasn't gonna take any chances. It didn't move and I couldn't tell if it was alive or dead. I called the bridge on the SPT and told them to have Sparky get to the cabin on the double. Sparky arrived shortly. "Get on the radio and tell 'em up on Beanstalk that I caught one of the creatures that grabbed us earlier tonight. Can't tell if its dead or not. Now scoot and get that out right away!" Sparky left and I called the bridge again to have Doc sent to the cabin.
Now Doc ain't a real doctor, he or she, we're not too sure which, is a med tech from a
world I can't pronounce which sounds like Frendack or somethin'. Anyway Doc would have to
check this creature out for me. Just as Doc arrived and I told him/her what I wanted the
voice radio receiver over my desk started goin' crazy. Since I'd never heard it even beep
before it surprised me. I grabbed the mike and said, "OK, Cap'n Taylor here!"
The voice that came back seemed familiar and as it said, "Captain, bind the alien
securely, make best possible speed for the closest port and give me your ETA as soon as
you can." I recognized the voice as Clyde's one of Them that I had been with while
the ARTY was under construction. "OK Clyde, we're headin' east now but I'll head
south to Breshuti which is closest and in the best direction for max speed. We should be
there a little after local noon. Anythin' else?" The radio sputtered some as Clyde
answered, "Is your First Mate qualified to take command?" I allowed as how Mr.
Murchison, a former merchant officer on earth, was now qualified 'cause trainin' the crew
was part of my job. "Very well," Clyde came back, "have him take charge
when you arrive Breshuti. You and the Ythichian will be transported to Mount Beanstalk.
Out." I called the bridge and told 'em to head for Breshuti at full speed. Doc signed
that the creature was either dead or in some kinda suspended animation so I told him/her
to leave.
"How long 'til Captain Taylor arrives," Clive said impatiently.
"It is only just noon, it will be a while yet. Sit down, pacing like that must be a
bad habit you picked up from the terrans," Corrine said as she lounged her chair.
"How can you be so calm? The Ythichian's must know of our presence on Binacamn. They must be kept from gaining knowledge of the Krosanz. When Captain Taylor arrives, him, you, and I will search for the Krosanz secretly."
"Will our superiors allow that?" said Corrine as she cleaned under her nails with a sonic knife (a very dangerous thing to do because one slip of the knife and you lose a finger).
"Our superiors be damned! Something about this whole planet bothers me and I think it's linked to the Krosanz. If the Ythichian's get it first they will have a weapon with powers beyond our ability to even guess," with that Clive flopped down into his seat and pulled a cigar out of a drawer in his desk.
"Your not actually going to use that disgusting object," Corrine wrinkled her nose at the prospect.
"It's one of the few vices I picked up from the Terrans besides I am your superior," pulling out his energy pistol Clive touches it to the end of the cigar and pulls the trigger. With a bright flash and the smell of burning tobacco mixed with ozone he puffs on the cigar. "You my dear, are not the only one who can use a weapon with such skill."
Beeeeeep! "Coordinator, the terran has arrived," said the intercom.
"Send the captain in."
With a whoosh the door opened and in strode Captain Jake Taylor.
"Well Clyde, whata you mean taking me off my ship while I'm doing the job you assigned me," Captain Taylor said with a determined look on his face.
"Greetings to you Captain, would you care for a cigar," Clive held up the box of cigars, "There from Cuba, I understand that they are the best your world has to offer. By the way my name is Clive."
"You didn't answer my question," Taylor took a cigar and put it in his shirt pocket, "and what's she doing here," pointing toward Corrine as though he hadn't noticed her before.
"Captain, we have brought you here," including Corrine with a gesture, "because we need you to help us discover an artifact that we think is located on the planets surface."
"Why do you need me."
"We feel that you, as a non-coridiane, may have some insights into how TWCB may have hidden there artifact."
"And what'sa Two Cub."
"It's T.W.C.B. and stands for Those Who Came Before, a race that rose up in the early days of the universe. Their technology was as far above ours as ours is above yours."
"Alright, I'm in."
"Like I have a real choice," he muttered under his breath.
"Corrine will show you to a place you can rest. We leave early tomorrow morning. I suggest you get some rest. Good day Captain."
"Right Clyde. See you in the morning."
After the door closed behind the captain and his escort Clive whispered a silent prayer in hopes that they were not to late to stop the Ythichian horde.